|All Bruins have Ms. Right's number|
The URSA Lady is the legendary voice on URSA telephone.
Daily Bruin, Viewpoint column, November 18, 1996
by Justin Horey
I, Justin Horey (resident Viewpoint philanthropist, troubleshooter and skinny white jackass) recently had the opportunity to interview UCLA's very own URSA. (That sound you're hearing right now is the ground breaking beneath you.)
As far as I know, no viewpoint columnist has ever done this before (probably with good reason). But I thought that since it's getting to be registration time, you (the diligent Viewpoint reader) might want to know what makes URSA tick, but I also found out a lot more. The transcript of my landmark interview with URSA (conducted Nov. 12) is reprinted below. Enjoy…
Me: Hello, URSA? Justin Horey, Daily Bruin Viewpoint department.
URSA: Welcome to URSA telephone, Bruins! This is UCLA's touch-tone information system.
Me: It is truly an honor to be able to conduct this interview; thank you very much for taking the time out of your busy schedule to talk to me.
URSA: You have 10 minutes to complete your call.
Me: So tell me, URSA, how long have you been providing this service to UCLA students?
URSA: Please enter your nine-digit student ID number and then press the number sign.
ME: OK. What is the maximum number of calls you are able to field at once?
URSA: Please enter your four-digit security code and then press the number sign.
Me: Gotcha. Is it true that you posed for one of the naked statues in the sculpture garden?
URSA: I cannot recognize the information you entered.
Me: I'll take that as a "No Comment." Who was that male voice on URSA this summer? Is he your husband, Mr. URSA?"
URSA: Information entered must be in a specific format.
Me: I see. What do you say o the thousand of students who say that you're a bitch?
URSA: you entered too many digits.
Me: That's telling them, URSA! What advice would you give to any kids out there who might want to be a computer voice someday?
URSA: Remember to press the number sign after completing your entry, and you must enter the information within the time allowed. Please try again!
Me: Truly inspiring. How do you feel about the allegations surrounding men's basketball coach Jim Harrick, and his recent termination?
URSA: information must be entered using a touch-tone telephone within the time allowed.
Me: What are you hiding, URSA? Is he paying you, too?
URSA: You have exceeded the input limit for incorrect data; I'm going to hang up now. Sorry, have a nice day!
Me: Thanks, URSA! I will!
Unlike new Joe, Bruin Gold or (dare I say) Bruin Park Plus, URSA is a
valuable part of our campus. It is my personal feeling that URSA's gotten
a bad rap, especially after having the chance to sit down and talk to
her one-on-one. In fact, I might go as far as to say that I think URSA
is the ideal woman. (And you thought Jake Sexton wrote controversial columns!
Source: Excerpted from The Daily
Bruin, Monday November 18, 1996
by Justin Horey, Psychology Major, Class of 1998